[currently available in the heart of all Americans]
Director: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, Vivica A. Fox, Margaret Colin, Randy Quaid
I apologize ahead of time.
I could talk about this movie forever. There’s nothing I don’t love about it and if you don’t agree I never want to watch the Olympics with you. I have to narrow it down so the article doesn’t turn into a series. So, today we’ll be focusing on four things from Independence Day, the movie equivalent of shooting a fire cracker out of a freshly emptied bottle of Budweiser.
1. The greatest fictional president of all time
2. The greatest fictional cable guy of all time
3. The greatest fictional fighter pilot of all time
4. The greatest fictional soldier of all time (different than fighter pilot)
President Thomas J. Whitmore
Does it even matter what political party this guy, this gentleman rather, is a member of? I mean holy shit. He chokes out his senior cabinet member because he’s an asshole for two days AFTER THE WORLD HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY ALIENS. I’m pretty sure I’d be an asshole too. PREZ T WHIT AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT. He’s going to leave your ass in the middle of the desert praying with a bunch of kids while he goes to fight aliens. Yes. This crazy ass commander-in-chief gets in a freaking F-18 and starts blowing aliens out of the damn sky. Besides Andrew Jackson and T.R. name me a president that would start slapping aliens around because he can. Nobody even really tries to stop him. They are probably terrified. It’s reckless abandon at a time when that’s all you can rely on! The entire line of succession is dead EXCEPT FOR THE GUY HE JUST BITCH SLAPPED IN THE BASEMENT OF AREA 51. He’s literally putting the future of this (his) country on his back. Yes. Literally.
Cable Guy David Levidson
This dude was typing 100 wpm before it was cool. Buddy had wifi before your mom taught you how to sign into Mindspring. Cable signal is a little fuzzy? CG D Lev will just plug your TV into his Compaq Deskpro and instantly pull up a countdown clock till the end of the Earth. You just wanted to finish last week’s episode of This is Us but he’ll be right there to tell you to go visit your mother in Atlanta. And then Atlanta blows up. (Seriously, this happens in the movie, I just noticed for the first time on watch #87). He also somehow tricked those aliens into agreeing to the Apple terms and conditions so he could load that app virus into their…err…core.
General Badass Russell Casse
Steven Hiller ain’t got nothing on Russ. Drunk and old, this crazy-ass goes full Sarah Palin and destroys an entire race while screaming “I’m back.” I mean…Jesus. These aliens must look at this guy like Baby Doc. Just wiped em all out but flying a plane into their ship’s belly button. Even El Prez didn’t have that idea. I guess somebody needed to rule Earth…
Sgt(?) Allen B. Extra
It was just like any other July 4 when Allen woke up. He wandered outside of Area 51, looked at the giant spaceship in the sky, leaned on Air Force One and had his cup of coffee. The crossword was a Friday crossword, so that sucked. Allen could only do the occasional Wednesday crossword. Monday’s and Tuesday’s were his favorites. Saturdays were boring. Sunday’s were okay, but too big. He heads inside to take a quick shower before dinner and sees a Captain in the military getting married, a scientist getting hammered throwing trash cans around, and the President punching his Secretary of Defense in the face. Assuming this means certain death he wanders outside to look for something to do while awaiting doom. Who’s that talking? He sees the President and is glad he won the fight against the SoD. Allen thought he looked squirrelly. As Allen listens to the President talk he realizes he’s not to excited about celebrating July 4 with the rest of the world, as Whitmore suggest, but doesn’t like quiet nights and is all about surviving. Then he realizes what he has to do. Deliver the best god damn salute in the history of salutes. He waits for his moment. And just as that drunk crop duster screams “woohoo” for some reason he sees his window. And he delivers. The perfect salute. The perfect show of respect for a President that beat the hell out of the Secretary of Defense.
Is it Watchlist-worthy?
