In theaters now
Director: George Clooney
Starring: Matt Damon, Julianne Moore, Oscar Isaac
There are some movies that appear too good to fail. They are “too good” usually because they are stacked with talent, both in front of and behind the camera. When you hear George Clooney is directing an old Cohen Brothers script starring Matt Damon, Julianne Moore, and Oscar Isaac, my (and probably your) immediate thought is “Oscar contender.” And Suburbicon starts that way.
The story involves a family who’s house gets broken into one night resulting in the death of the mother. The Fargo-esque plot that develops after that is so jumbled up and confusing that you lose interest inexplicably fast. First off, the burglars don’t take anything from the house. As you go through the story you start to realize that, well, everyone is a bad guy. Everyone that is except the African-American family that has moved next door to the ‘Damon’ household, who are treated the way you would think they would be treated in an all-white neighborhood in the 1950’s. It’s quite obvious, from the get go, that the black neighbors are there to show that while you are looking at one thing that’s literally not hurting you at all, the real problem is right behind you. The problem in Suburbicon is that the bait isn’t related to (what I think) the story is at all. And if the bait isn’t there to catch you the switch never happens. The story just ends and you end up sitting there wondering why you picked Suburbicon and not the Saw prequel or whatever is in the next theater.
Here’s what ran through my head as I watched this film:
1. Okay. 1950’s. Man, I’m excited. So much talent attached to this movie.
2. Wow. Stunning visuals. Fantastic Production Design.
3. Love the cookie-cutter neighborhood. It’s like Edward Scissorhands meets Stepford Wives.
4. …this town is really racist.
5. Why are there two Julianne Moore’s?
6. Which Julianne Moore died?
7. Okay, Matt Damon’s the good guy.
8. Okay, Matt Damon’s not the good guy. Maybe Oscar Isaac is the good guy?
9. Speaking of, where is Oscaar Isaac? He must not be in this movie, I was mistaken.
10. Those bad guys that are beating up Matt Damon, work for Matt Damon? Weird.
11. Not-dead Julianne Moore is creepy AF. Don’t know how that’s relevant, but damn.
12. How do movie theaters purchase popcorn? Like who makes that much popcorn to sell? How does it come? In garbage bags?
13. This Buncha Crunch was a bad purchase. There’s $6 I’ll never get back.
14. I don’t have my wallet. Damnit. Hope I didn’t leave it at the concession stand.
15. HEY HEY OSCAR ISAAC!
16. Man, he was so good for the 2 minutes he was on-screen.
17. I hope he has a good role in Star Wars. I like Poe.
18. Will they make a Kung Fu Panda 4? That franchise hits a home run every time.
19. This cop seems to have figured out Matt Damon is bad. Something about Apples gave it away. Idk, idc.
20. Maybe I’ll look for my wallet under my chair.
21. I wonder what everyone is thinking watching me crawl around the aisle feeling for my wallet.
22. FOUND IT!
23. OSCAAR ISAAC AGAIN!
24. I haven’t been on a roll like this since I drove to the theater successfully and Movie Pass worked!
25. Oscar Isaac has died.
26. Both Julianne Moore’s have died.
27. The bad guys died.
28. I wonder when Matt Damon’s gonna eat that poison sandwich. The ratio of crushed up pills to peanut butter is 1/1 so he’ll probably figure it out quick.
29. Here he goes.
30. Dang, he ate the entire thing. Must not know what peanut butter taste like.
31. Matt Damon has died.
32. What happens if all the movies are this bad?
33. Logan gets a Best Picture nomination?
34. Chris Pine – Supporting Actor for Wonder Woman.
35. It’d be kind of hilarious if Bradley Whitford got nominated for Get Out and Chris Pine got nominated for Wonder Woman.
36. Where does Pine rank in the famous, good-looking Chris actors? Is he third? No way…gotta be higher than that, I mean…
37…welp, credits are my cue. See ya, movie!
Suburbicon really does suffer from one thing and one thing only. The story is bad. It’s boring. The acting is great. I mean, when are these stars bad in anything? We know Clooney can direct. But the story…there’s just nothing there. Nothing to keep you engaged. You don’t care what happens to any of the characters except the ones they never talk about. It’s a rough watch to say the least.
Is it Watchlist-worthy? Sadly, no.
