8-Bit Halfwit is a series where Brent Blackwell, a longtime but not particularly skillful gamer, revisits NES games in order of their release. To see more in this series, click here.

Details

Release Date: 10/18/1985
Genre: Racing
GameFAQs rating: 3.56/5
GameFAQs difficulty level: “Just Right”
GameFAQs length: 7.9 Hours
Background: The first game in the Excite series, this NES launch title brought the fun of motocross racing into the home. It is a beloved title in the NES pantheon.

The Gameplay Diary

I never played Excitebike as a kid, so this was brand new to me. I was… moderately successful. There are 5 tracks, and once I understood the game dynamics, tracks 1 and 2 were no difficulty whatsoever. Track 3 had a bit of a learning curve, but I eventually got there. Tracks 4 and 5? Well, let’s just say I am only aware of Track 5 due to the game allowing me to pick any track. I just wasn’t very good at upper levels, especially against CPU riders. I went from finishing 1st and 2nd to finishing 12th. I couldn’t get out of that rut, so I accepted my fate. I’m a 3-track Excitebiker.

Excitebike is a legendary game, and a lot of that is linked to multiplayer and track design elements. I played alone, and I really only played the tracks that Nintendo designed for me. As a result, the game was kind of uneven, but I can recognize why it would have been considered a must-own back in its day. After all, you could race dirt bikes against your friends and family. Racing games, as long as they are functional, are fun with friends. Add in the element of track design, and that ups the ante.

As a single-player racing game against CPU drivers, it was pretty confusing. 4 bikes would start the race, and I somehow finished 12th. When did the other 8 assholes start this race, yesterday? It’s fun knocking down an opposing rider by hitting their front tire with your back tire – oh, I can only imagine the controllers that died a noble death after being hurled at the world in a post-knockdown fit of fury during multiplayer. You don’t really get mad against the computer, though. You just get tired of new riders popping onto the screen halfway into a long jump. They irritatingly take days to weave through the bike-slowing mud patches. That creates a lot of accidents. That’s just what thrills me – low speed bike entanglements that throw me from the track.

Like I mentioned earlier, tracks 4 and 5 are pretty thrilling, but they were just too much for me. This halfwit couldn’t take it down, but I’m ok with that. Excitebike, I realized, isn’t about the single player mode anyway.

One last complaint: Each time I finished a lap, I’m pretty sure neighbors thought the building’s fire alarm had been triggered. It’s one of the worst noises ever approved for a video game.

This isn’t me:

Game Over

Although I didn’t experience the better aspects of Excitebike, I can appreciate them. I would’ve loved owning this game as a kid, where I could pop it in and challenge any friends who came over. That’s what it’d be good for now.

7/10
(I previously did a half point scale out of 5, but I realize that’s less aesthetically pleasing than X/10, so from here, we evolve)