Month: March 2017

In the mid-90’s, around the age of 10, my bedtime was 9:00. The rules were simple:

1. Be in bed by 9:00.
2. Turn the TV or Radio off by 10:00.

Most nights I would go to bed, turn on the radio, you know, to make sure Hootie wasn’t playing, then watch whatever concert PBS was showing to try to raise money. I remember lots of musicals (Cats and Les Mis, which is the most boring thing to “watch” on television) and a ridiculous amount of Celtic Dancing. I looked forward to 90 minutes of television each week, not counting Braves games. Tuesdays I got to watch The Simpsons and Martin back to back. Wednesdays it was 30 minutes of the oft forgotten Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. 10 year old me thought the best thing for T.V. shows to do was to just give up. Parker Lewis would eventually lose and we should all stop trying to make sitcoms after that. Let me tell you. What a time to be alive.

Then we got cable.

I thought Nickelodeon might be a trick. “Why would they make a channel for kids? I don’t even have monies. I have to beg for action figures and baseball cards and I was only allowed to get ones from the bargain bin and $1 shelf, respectively. Why would Ted Turner (the man behind every moving picture in 1995 TJ’s head) make an entire channel for me? THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.

Quick backstory of my life here. If you’re the one person reading this who doesn’t know me, I’m huge. A big guy. And I have always been a big guy. I was the tallest in my class pretty much every year until I got to High School. I was also a scaredy cat. I didn’t like (and still don’t) many horror movies. My brothers made me watch the Leprechaun one night as a payment of sorts to get to hang out with them. I watched the movie, walked downstairs where my brothers shared what I thought was what a honeymoon suite would look like, and proceeded to ask them about all the ways I could defend myself when the leprechaun would inevitably attack. I set a trap outside my room at one point. I even tried to force reason into the 70’s sci-fi horror flick Night of the Lepus. This is the movie, in case you missed it somehow, that pits humans against giant, man-eating rabbits. “Mommy, those rabbits aren’t mean, right? They just eat bugs, and since they’re big, they think the people are bugs. They can’t help it. Right, Mommy? RIGHT?!?!!” She agreed. I was the kid who was too big to ride the caterpillar roller coaster but too scared to ride the Cyclone. ANYWAYS – This Nickelodeon channel which I was supposed to love was HORRIBLE.

I hated cartoons. I hated superheroes. I hated shows that taught me how to do math I learned seven years prior. These shows were for babies. I’d literally rather watch Celtic dancing. Aside from reruns of Doug and Ren & Stimpy, I was not down. This was like telling me there’s unlimited Ice Cream in the freezer, but turns out its lemon frozen yogurt. You aren’t lying, but I still hate you.

So, one Tuesday, after wrapping up another “greatest hour of moving pictures” ever (I mean really, how did Homer get away with that and can you believe Martin said that…ON THE RADIO?) I wandered to bed, checked to make sure “Only Wanna Be With You” wasn’t on the radio, and flicked on the T.V.

I am immediately bobbing my head. I dance back to my bead and crawl in. This was it. This changed weeknights for the next, oh, year maybe? I found Nick at Nite.

The song I couldn’t get out of my head was the theme song to I Dream of Jeannie. For some reason, this woman, showing her midriff was dancing like she knew 9-year-old boys everywhere were watching. This would end up being one of the two shows on Nick at Nite that I liked the least. If I have to compare it to something it’s probably The Office. You get the main character who loves what they do and go out of their way to try to help everybody, but just can’t get it right. Almost every problem that arose in IDoJ was due to the title Genie’s (get her name now?) love for her astronaut husband. Much like Michael Scott’s love for his Dunder-Mifflin crew. Tuesday’s gave me back to back episodes of this show and I was hooked. It COULD NOT get better than this.

WEDNESDAY – The Munsters. OMG. WHAT SOCIAL COMMENTARY! The monsters who lived in the LA suburbs were normal. That’s the show. It’s King of Queens if Kevin James had bolts in his neck and Jerry Stiller wore a cape and fangs. I loved every minute of it.

THURSDAY – Bewitched. My first celebrity crush was born. Elizabeth Montgomery was my everything for a few weeks. A modernish day comparison would be Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray and Susannah both live lives at home with their significant others and parent(s) don’t approve. There are also kids that don’t matter.

FRIDAY – No bedtime. Didn’t Matter. Newhart. I HAD TO SEE WHAT ELSE THEY HAD TO OFFER. One show gave me a half-naked lady dancing, one gave me a blue collar Frankenstein struggling to make ends meet, and one gave me my one true love. Friday ended up giving me the show that shaped my comedy tendencies forever. Newhart starred Bob Newhart as a Psychologist/Hotel Owner in Vermont. The show was a constant display of dry humor and wit delivered between the title character, his supportive but hilarious wife, and the hotel staff. I started watching and loving the sitcom Wings soon after which is essentially the same show. Also one of the greatest series finales in the history of T.V.

THE LONGEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE

MONDAY – Lucy. Ricky. Little Ricky. Fred. Ethel. I would watch I Love Lucy forever if I could. It never got old. I’m not sure how. If any show used a recycled plot, it was I Love Lucy.

1. Lucy tries to get into a movie/T.V. show/stage production.

2.She ruins something during her attempt.

3. Ricky and/or Fred yell at Lucy and/or Ethel.

4. Ricky (not Fred, he’s a dick) tells Lucy it’s cool.

5. ANNNNNND scene.

And it worked. Every single time. I laughed till I cried. I even got my TV time extended on Monday’s to 11:00 because after back to back episodes of I Love Lucy I got the spinoff “The Luci/Desi Comedy Hour” from 10:00 to 11:00. IT’S A SEQUAL. They all move to the suburbs. Ricky and Fred seem tired and don’t appear that much, so, it’s just Lucy and Ethel messing up auditions and jobs and such…which is great.

A year or so later Nick at Nite started airing The Lucy Show and to say I was disappointed would be, well, accurate. Desi was the glue and Lucy was the paper. Who knew?

To make everybody feel as old as me the current Nick and Nite Lineup consists of Full House, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Friends, and The George Lopez Show. All shows that were either airing new episodes in 1995, or failed to create characters anybody cared about.

Nick at Nite was responsible for my introduction to many classic sitcoms. The Dick Van Dyke Show, WKRP in Cincinnati, Rhoda, Welcome Back Kotter, and Laverne & Shirley to name a few, but it never matched that original lineup. I wrote a song about it to play for my piano teacher at the time.

On Mondays I get Lucille Ball
I get excited when Ethel calls

And on Tuesdays, Jeannie blinks
Will Tony survive the hijinks?

Wednesday Monsters come to life
The funniest Grandpa that’s alive

Thursday I become Bewitched (I vividly remember looking at Mr. Milton so I could see his eyes when I delivered this line, which was way ahead of its time)
Move your nose like there’s an itch (rhyming is hard when you’re 10)

Finish up with Newhart’s Inn
On Monday we’ll do it again.

He was not impressed.